Loud

I woke up this morning at 3:30...and before I knew it, my body was wracked with loud sobs. So loud I feared Joey in the room next to mine would hear. Not that he would care, really. The sobs have subsided, but the feeling of hopelessness remains.

When I let myself feel

I think: why did you do that to me? Leave without a trace, with no notice? Jump ship on a friendship, especially after you'd complained your friends were "largely absent"? But you went and did that to me. And I did nothing to deserve it  - not a single thing. I was never needy. I never demanded anything of you. I was nothing but kind, and thoughtful and gave you all kinds of space. But I did enjoy your company, and you made me believe we were friends. But then you just left. And I want to just raise my chin and say it doesn't matter, doesn't hurt, doesn't register...but it does. I am strong enough, mature enough, to be vulnerable. And guess what...I know you read this sometimes. I wish that you would choose to still be part of my life, instead of a voyeur of it.

It has been a really hard couple of days. My son has been struggling with normal daily activities - so many seizures, so much weakness. I can barely keep my tears from making an appearance when he's in my presence. I have cried more than I care to admit. I love him so much, but his life...it's so difficult. I can't help him do the things he needs to do. I can't work and be that person too, but I need to work to support my family.

What is it like to have a life that you mostly get to choose? I had a taste of it, and it's gone again. I worry it will never be back. This is our normal, again: lots of seizures, lots of weakness, no making plans, no hoping for the next thing. Our life revolves around what his brain allows his body to do. And it's not much.

I want something to look forward to and I just don't know what that could possibly be. My usual means of support aren't here anymore. I am alone, and I have to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I just don't want to.

Losing it

A little more each day.

I know how she feels, really. That there isn't anything to look forward to except more stress, more strife, more heartache. I know that he needs me now - more than anyone else, he needs ME. I wish that he didn't, but he does. And I will stay, for him. But I honestly don't know if I would, if he ceased to be.

And I fear that very thing an awful lot, these days.

Too many seizures today. Too little school. Quite possibly, a broken foot.

And that goddamn dog who destroys everything she possibly can.

I need hope. I need something to look forward to. And I keep looking and I can't find a goddamn thing.

Learning and leaning

Educating a 9th grader through online/homeschool is, so far, harder than doing it for a 5th grader. I've done it before - I know that I can - but I had a partner before. Now, everything is on me - money, education, discipline, activity. All of it. And doing all of that while keeping another child from a bottomless downward spiral.

Added to that, my very best friend has "simply decided" that when her daughter dies, so does she. No amount of my pleading that bereaving your surviving children on purpose will do them irreparable harm seems to matter. I can't judge her; losing a child is a special kind of torturous pain that never, ever goes away. But damn if I will not try to change her mind, no matter how "decided" she is. Her family needs her. I need her. I knew when we first discovered just how bad it was, that the best friend I knew might be gone to me forever. And I grieved for that as much as anything else. But I don't want to have to grieve losing her living self.

Life is hard right now. It is. But I am strong, and when I am not, I will weep as long as I need to, and get up and face it all again.

Down

The weight of all the stuff...it makes me sad. I know I'm depressed, but at least I have reasons this time.

A good friend disappeared, left me, abandoned me, for no discernible reason.

My best friend's daughter...they can't really help her.

My son's health has taken a nosedive.

I am alone, without a partner, and I've given up on trying to change that.

It feels like things are only getting worse, not better. I try to see the bright side. I practice gratitude. But right now I will admit the future just looks so goddamn dim.

Why

Why do people have to leave without a trace, especially people who made it a point for you to mean something to them, and they to you?

Is it so hard to say, "I'm going to be gone for a little while, but I'll be back."

No...they can't do that. They disappear, not caring the damage they are doing to others.

Men are especially good at this. Is it in some handbook you guys all get? How to completely fuck with people's heads?

But then I suppose when she's no longer flirting with you, she served her purpose and she's no longer useful...friendship was never what it was, but you sure did a good job of faking it. Your arrogance and ignorance about who and what you are is astounding.

Limited time

Sometimes the reality of it just punches me right in the gut. In the face. Both. It leaves bruises and wounds and a battered heart. I don't want her to die. I want her to live. I don't want her family to be bereaved. I don't want to see her mama's heart break. I can't take it. I hate that I can't be there.

I've been feeling sorry for myself over various things, while my very best friend is in danger of seriously losing her shit, because she is facing losing her child, AND her father.

I know what it's like to need to fall to pieces because everyone needs you and you can't. How many times have I left the room so Aaron wouldn't see me cry?

She cannot change what is happening to her daughter but she needs to be allowed to fall apart. I wish that I could be there and give her a day or two of freedom to do that.

disposable

unimportant, insignificant

i let you draw me in
flesh me out
open heart, open door
time spent
or
time wasted
maybe i just
don't
know

but to feel discarded
like a scrap
thrown out
forgotten
cast aside

i knew
people did that

i didn't know
you did.

Friends, attachment, and reality.

Recently I received what I perceived to be a fairly significant cold shoulder from someone I considered a friend. It was someone in whom I had a romantic interest to begin with, but it became clear that was not going to work out. And I thought we'd settled into a good, deepening friendship.

And then he sort of disappeared. Not completely, but there was a measurable decline in communication from him, and no reason for it. I was told there was some physical ailment, but nothing serious. So I kind of let it go, even though my feelings were a bit hurt. I didn't want to be clingy or needy.

Even so, I'd invested time, emotion, and myself into this friendship, and I felt I wasn't treated well (and I had done nothing to deserve this, as far as I could tell). So after a fairly abruptly worded request from me, I was given an explanation that he had been feeling low and missing local friends and needed to figure some things out "IRL."

And I thought...I ~am~ "IRL." Though we don't live geographically close and therefore don't spend (much) time in each other's physical presence, it's not like we haven't met. We have. We've spent hours chatting via text, video chats, etc. Over a period of months. He was a real person in my life, and had come to mean something to me - to be one of the people I consider a friend (and I do not use the term lightly, ever - I am careful to use the word "acquaintance" when I mean it). And I thought I was to him.

But I think I have been assigned to this realm of "not quite real" that diminishes my place in his world. I myself make no distinction between friends I see in person often, and friends I communicate with online or on the phone often. And so yes, this whole thing hurts.

I responded to his explanation with my honest feelings, and I offered words of support, but I think I maybe held back too much, not wanting it to be a big thing. And now I don't know quite what to say or do except to let it all go, and focus on people who really do want me to be part of their lives.