I am, at this moment (and at several moments lately) freer than I have ever been in my life. I am not bound by the constraints of religion or parents or children. I'm just me - working, reading, playing.
And in a very strong way, I feel paralyzed. Who am I, without her? Who am I, without them? So much of my identity was wrapped up in the woman who raised me, in the children I raised. And while my children are still growing, and only temporarily absent, the fact remains I'm very close to them being grown up and independent. Much closer to them being completely dependent and by my side the vast majority of my hours.
And she - she is gone. For good. While I no longer have to live with the fear of her judgment and her disappointment over some things, I no longer get to live with her presence. She loved me, she cared about me, and she talked with me. I had a 93 year old best friend, and I made sure she knew it. I want to hold her and love her and be with her again. I can't help it. I miss her like crazy some days and I want her back.
I know who I am, and mostly what I like, but the fact is, I am tired. I'm so very, very tired, so much of the time. I find it difficult to pursue things that interest me. I would rather curl up and read a book or watch a movie or TV show than just about anything, because it requires so much less energy. When I do something different, it always feels good. But getting motivated to do it? Oh, it feels, sometimes, like I am trying to move a mountain.
I'm trying to give myself space, a break, room to just be. Not do, every second. But I am keenly aware that I'm in the 2nd half of my life and what I want is TO do. To experience and know and create.
I must find the desire that is stronger than the tired.
