Lost.

The thing is, I never cared if you were popular - I never was. I cared that you were kind, and friendly, and smart. And you were all of those things - AND popular. Your teachers praised the way you were with your studies and with other students. You impressed everyone.

You moved 1000 miles away from everyone you knew and loved when you were 6 years old. You went from only child to big brother to 2 in less than 2 years. You watched your parents' marriage crumble. And through all that, you smiled and laughed and made us all marvel at the absolute Joey that you were.

And now...I don't know where he is. I know kids grow up, and they change. I know we all grow less open, less fun, less ... lively. Well, most of us do.

But I don't know what to do with this version of you. I have tried so so hard to help you. Hours and dollars and tears  - more than I can count - I have spent trying to find you again. To help you be you. And it's as though it was all wasted. You are chained to your room, emerging for only the essentials, not speaking more than a few words to me at a time.

As your mother, I am so incredibly lost. I have utterly failed. Whatever the scarlet letter is for failed mothering...that is on my forehead. It's with me all the time.

I hide it pretty well most of the time. But it never really leaves.

I miss you. I love you. You're my son. My first. And I wish like hell I could find you again.

Tell the boys I'm sorry

Sometimes I still fantasize about going away, and not ever coming back.

Girls Like Me

Girls like me aren't hard to trust
Your deepest secrets safe with us
And when it's time we set you free
You can always count on girls like me