5 am tears

"I can't live without her," she said through sobs. "I don't want her to go alone. I can't let her go alone. Would you be mad at me if I went with her?"

'You'll come to the funeral, right?"

Never in my life did I imagine these words coming out of the mouth of my best friend. They were foreign words, foreign sounds, a grief so deep not even I can touch it, sobs wracking her body so badly I could feel them through the phone. I can't fix it for her, I can't take it on for her. I can only try to be there with her and let her cry. "She's still here," I simply said. "All I can tell you is right now, she is still here, and we HAVE to hold on to that." I love her daughter myself. And I can't stand to know that she is sick and in pain and probably won't survive.

And I am sick to pieces for my very best friend.

FUCK CANCER.

Losing

My best friend's heart is breaking daily and there's not a damn thing I can do about it except listen when she cries, and try like hell to make her laugh. I know what it's like to have a sick child, and to be afraid for his life. I do not know what it's like to have a child with a death sentence. I do not know the level of excruciating pain, from a number of sources, she's under.

I love her so much and all I want to do is wave my magic wand and make everything better. Why can't I make everything better?

Randoms

I'm at that point again, where I think I maybe want to give up on online dating. It seems to be a waste of time. The ones I am interested in aren't interested in me, and vice versa. It creates a low level tension that permeates far too much of my mind and my days, and leaves this normally content woman very...wistful. Not a good place. It's hard for me to meet anyone in other ways, but I'm just starting to not care. I've been single nearly 2 years now and definitely in a much better place about it than I was then.

Speaking of dating and time...I have been thinking so much lately about not having much time left. That I am 42, and it's not inconceivable that I'm closer to my death than to my birth. I am starting to understand why some people have midlife crises, and I hope I don't become one of them. I think I'm responsible enough (3 kids makes that sort of necessary) that I won't do anything stupid, and yet...sometimes I feel like I need to do something drastically different. I'm hyper aware that I am coasting and have been for awhile, and I feel stagnant. In a rut. It's a bit soul crushing and I want to experience something new and that makes me feel alive. Not that I don't want to be alive now; I have things to do. But I'm a bit bored with it all.

I think of all these great things to write about when I'm doing something else, and can't write at that moment, and then I forget. I need to get better at jotting down notes on my phone.

I bought a dress today. Don't know if/where I will wear it. But I tried it on, it made me feel pretty, and it was only $15. So I bought it. Dressing room, being nearly naked with mirrors everywhere, was so depressing, though. I'm far too heavy and I keep eating more than I should to lose it and it sucks.

I miss my usual blog site. It's been down for months, with no indication it's ever coming back. I think I can handle the not being there more the loss of all the things I wrote - there was no way to print an archive (that I know of) so I never had a backup of my blog. Oh well.

Maybe I'll write again when I remember all that stuff I thought of when I was drying my hair.

I need to purge

Words, that is. I need to purge words. My usual blogging community has been down for too long.

In the past couple of years or so, whilst learning my new identity as a single person, I've come across a lot of different kinds of people (well, they are men, because I only date men, but I say people because I'm not sure their gender has anything to do with their behavior).

Some I saw once and never again, whether by mutual choice, or one sided choice, it doesn't matter: it just wasn't going anywhere.

And some I've become good friends with - and feel so lucky to have done so.

And then others...I thought were friends. I thought, in our 40s and 50s, that these men would have learned by now what it means to be sensitive, thoughtful, caring. But some just never have. Hey, maybe that's why they're single! But - and maybe I have too much faith in people - a few surprised me. They SEEMED thoughtful, caring, emotionally and mentally intelligent.

One in particular acted like a complete asshole (more than once, but again recently). I called him out on thoughtless behavior, and his response was one giant excuse - no regard for me or my feelings, no "I really didn't mean to make you feel that way, and I'm sorry." Just "This happened. Feel sorry for me." Yeah, no. Not going to happen.

The thing is: I have friends. Most of my closest friends are not local, and when I finally have a few local ones, I want to hang out face to face sometimes. I don't wanna be their texting or email or chatting buddy. I don't need that. I need face to face, and a hug now and then, and real life interaction. So when someone shies away from that (when I know they aren't socially awkward or have anxiety about it), I do take it personally. As I should. And I won't participate in that relationship any longer.

Because I'm strong and loved and cherished, and I won't waste my time attempting to share myself with those who don't see or do that.

Wednesdays, man...whatareyagonnado?