I think: why did you do that to me? Leave without a trace, with no notice? Jump ship on a friendship, especially after you'd complained your friends were "largely absent"? But you went and did that to me. And I did nothing to deserve it - not a single thing. I was never needy. I never demanded anything of you. I was nothing but kind, and thoughtful and gave you all kinds of space. But I did enjoy your company, and you made me believe we were friends. But then you just left. And I want to just raise my chin and say it doesn't matter, doesn't hurt, doesn't register...but it does. I am strong enough, mature enough, to be vulnerable. And guess what...I know you read this sometimes. I wish that you would choose to still be part of my life, instead of a voyeur of it.
It has been a really hard couple of days. My son has been struggling with normal daily activities - so many seizures, so much weakness. I can barely keep my tears from making an appearance when he's in my presence. I have cried more than I care to admit. I love him so much, but his life...it's so difficult. I can't help him do the things he needs to do. I can't work and be that person too, but I need to work to support my family.
What is it like to have a life that you mostly get to choose? I had a taste of it, and it's gone again. I worry it will never be back. This is our normal, again: lots of seizures, lots of weakness, no making plans, no hoping for the next thing. Our life revolves around what his brain allows his body to do. And it's not much.
I want something to look forward to and I just don't know what that could possibly be. My usual means of support aren't here anymore. I am alone, and I have to figure out how to keep putting one foot in front of the other. But I just don't want to.
No comments:
Post a Comment