Mommy Issues.

A repost from somewhere else a few years ago...

After watching too much news last night (and consuming too much Facebook), I was so anxious and depressed that it took me a long time to fall asleep. My heart just hurt. It still does.

I was talking with someone yesterday about my mom. I was asked if I see a lot of her in me (she had 4 kids with 4 different men, all before her death at the ripe ol' age of 37). It was a really thought provoking question for me. In some ways, yeah. I think I do. Daddy issues (you do the math there, lol). Her dad was around, at least until she was 24. But he was a preacher, so she naturally went wild. I said something that, after I wrote it out, was a little bit of a shock to me:

"I honestly don't know how much of her I see in me. I think I am a lot more willing to sacrifice myself and my own happiness for what's best for my kids, and I have to say she spent a lot of years doing what seems like the opposite. Don't get me wrong - she loved us very much, but the part of her life I remember most was the part she was trying to get right because she was dying."

When someone dies, especially at a young age, we tend to put them on a pedestal they may not deserve. Now, my mom as far as I remember was wonderful. She had 4 kids, she loved us to bits, she worked, she fought cancer. I remember her as gentle and fair and always letting us know she loved us. But she made a lot of BAD decisions before I came along, decisions my sisters had to live with. And she made a very bad decision in marrying and staying with my dad. I think it only just occurred to me yesterday how unstable she was for a long time. People tend to start putting things right when they fear their life is ending, and she was no different. I got to see the best of her. Who knows if it would have lasted, had she survived.

Even so, I miss her. Almost my whole life, I have craved knowing my mother as an adult. I got cheated out of that, and it hurts. I love my grandmother to pieces, but it is not the same.

Maybe there is some Suzy Seafler Moore in me, but I hope it is more of the good parts.