I still don't know

I still don't know what to do...what I will do.

I haven't spoken directly to my sisters about what I learned. My sister closest to me texted and asked if I'd had a good vacation - I texted back yes. That's it. I haven't made any big proclamations. I haven't talked about the fact that now She Knows.

The fact is, I don't know what to do. I know my stepmother would understand me not wanting to cut ties with my sister (or sisters). But I feel that it would be incredibly disloyal to her.

My whole life, a big part of my identity is the youngest of 4 sisters. They were my first best friends. We have fought and loved and suffered together. And when the one who did this horrible thing stopped speaking to me, years ago, for about 6 months, I felt like I'd lost an arm. At the time it was more difficult because we lived about a mile apart from each other. Living so far away now, it would probably be easier. But still. I've been losing people all my life, most of the time having done nothing to cause the loss. And this is actually my choice.

I'm forgiving by nature. I can't hold grudges. I find it very difficult to hold on to anger because it takes so much energy, and bitterness is simply not part of who I am.

I wish I could talk to someone about this. I wish I could talk to the girls about this. But I fear if I do, the decision will be made for me - that I will lose a sister, whether I want to or not.

And none of this, none of this was anything that was my fault. But holy fuck, does it hurt.