Maybe

I was just having some wine and watching a show (Casual on Hulu) that often leaves me a little emotional. It's touching and funny and sort of where I am in my life right now. And I just started thinking about things, maybe things I shouldn't. But the mind wanders.

Sometimes I still miss him. Before, I never would have believed there'd be a day I didn't know him anymore. I always kind of knew it would eventually end. I hoped it wouldn't, but I knew it probably would. I bet against the odds thinking that this time would be the exception. And I lost. Oh, how I lost. And this is where he sat, and that is where he held me when my father died, and over there is where he sent my sons into fits of giggles. And now he isn't. Not in my world, anyway.

And I know this is good for me, best for me. I know I'm ok just the way I am: raising my boys, working, enjoying my days and my moments and doing things and meeting a few people. Maybe even "meeting" Him, even though I don't know what that is, only that it makes me happy and that I think it can be enough for now...even though I wish for more.

It's Friday night and I'm doing my usual thing: Hulu, wine, writing. It's enough for me, even though it's not enough for some. I'm weary from travel, and need the down time. I've had to be "on" nearly nonstop for over a week, and it exhausted me.

Maybe that's my trouble. Maybe I need to be a little more quiet, a little less ravenous for connection.