Weary.

I am so very, very tired. I have not been able to sleep past about 3:30 a.m. lately, except a precious time or two in the last month. This means I'm exhausted by early evening, and barely able to function, to be with the boys, to be who and what they need.

I am sad sometimes. I know part of it is "that time of the month" but part of it is having no clue how to get Aaron educated. He doesn't want to do homebound services, but he misses so much, and he doesn't want to work on school work when he DOES feel good. I'm at my wit's end. I value education but I don't want him to be even more miserable than he already is.

I was texting with a guy I met online the other day, and I said, "I'm ok for a Tuesday." And he said something about realizing how much he needed a month of not knowing what day of the week it was. I said, "I don't think I've ever had that." And his responses was, "Oh sweetheart, you haven't lived." Combined with the rather condescending and too-familiar "sweetheart," I wasn't impressed. I have lived. I have had a much different life than a lot of people. I haven't traveled a lot. I haven't experienced a ton of different things. I haven't been able to - money, time, energy - these things are tied up in caring for a human who I brought into this world with a disability. He's my responsibility. He has been my adventure. And although so many people probably look at my life with pity and sympathy, they don't know that for the most part, I am ok with it. I have traveled for him. I know more about the medical system than a lot of people. I've met people who care, people who struggle like us, people who bolster my heart with the level of kindness and compassion that the guy who spends a month on the beach every year may never get to know.

My life isn't full of excitement and being on the go and photographs of my latest stunt. And I don't want it to be. I want it to have meaning. I want to love and be loved. I want to have fun sometimes, but I just don't need it to be all the time.

And besides...I'm too tired for that anyway.

P.S. I still miss him, and think about him, and look for him every day.