I need her.

I don't know which is worse: the heart-rending, gut-wrenching sobs that were so deep and profound she couldn't talk, or the peaceful resignation in her voice when she said, "She asked the doctor if she'd make it to 20."

Once again, I find that I am beside myself with grief. There is nothing else to try; this sweet girl is dying. And this sweet girl - a firecracker like her mom, really - well, her mom is losing a daughter. My best friend in the entire world. The woman who made me believe in real friendship will have to wear that horrible, awful title: bereaved parent. Not today and probably not tomorrow, but soonish. The one glimmer of hope they had is now gone. That was it. And it's not going to happen, because it won't help.

How in the world could this have happened to her, to this family, this generous, fun, incredible, never harmed a soul family?

I am in pieces. Between my own son's horrible health this week, and her daughter's imminent death, I just want to give up.

I want to call my Grandma and I can't. I need her. I need her so much and she's already gone. There is no one for me take this to, not anyone who understands the way that she would, having buried two children of her own.

So I will sit and have a glass of wine and a good cry, and then try to go and be a mom.