Into the fire

Ok, maybe that title is a little dramatic. But, then again, maybe not.

I was thinking this evening how strange and sad it is that we can forget some really big, important life lessons. Last fall when I was first separated, I dated a guy who told me about this book called Daring Greatly. Things with him and me did not work out, but just that one thing was quite valuable.

I thought I could do it - be brave enough to be vulnerable. And here I am, on the edge of returning to a different man - I can't really call it a relationship, as I'm not sure that's what it ever was - but returning to a man I enjoyed immensely, and a situation that I am scared of entering for a number of reasons.

We didn't have a good start; we both acknowledge that. There are various reasons for that, valid reasons, but yes, it was painful for me.

I want to get past that, and I'm trying. I don't think he ever meant to, or wanted to, cause me pain. I was in a vulnerable place relationship-wise, and he was in a personally vulnerable place. Pain was on the menu and we didn't even know it, because we didn't really know one another and quite obviously didn't trust each other. It was just too new for that.

But I have learned a lot about me, in these last several months. About what I want and need, what I'm capable of.

And I believe in the possibility of love. I know it exists; I've seen it. The lifelong kind, I've yet to experience, but I've observed. I still don't know if it's possible for me: not because men I am attracted to or fall in love with are incapable, but maybe, because I am. I don't want to believe that about myself, but I fear sometimes that it may be true.

Nevertheless, he wants to take a chance with me. And while I need a lot more than what he seems willing or able to give, I'm risking it, for now. I am not leaping, and I'm not diving, but I do want to get past more than just dipping my toes in the water.

I want to really, truly be involved. And I don't know if he'll let me, really. He says he wants that, but I still feel like there are mixed signals. I think if you want her, you leave no doubt in her mind. But it's also really very possible those are my doubts; not anything he's done or not done.

I want to be brave enough to be vulnerable, and I am trying so hard. I hope he understands and appreciates my effort. I want to know, and to be known.