Do you think you're brave? (writing prompt from the New York Times)

Ah, of course I picked an easy prompt: yes, I think I'm brave. No question about that.

The funny thing is, it is things least likely to really hurt me that I tell people I am afraid of - scary movies, snakes, and zombies - that I actively avoid. Shut up, I know avoiding zombies is not an active decision!

I started off brave - I had to be. Watching my mother fight cancer and her husband, watching my family explode when I was just 8, moving to a completely different part of the country sharing a classroom with kids who'd all known each other practically since birth? That was scary.

I navigated my way through a serious trauma in my childhood to what was, as I look back on it, a pretty idyllic upbringing. I didn't have everything I wanted but I certainly had everything I needed. And I had the best thing of all: a fearless grandmother to raise me.

Oh sure, she was not one to take risks - she warned us all the time about all the mights and woulds and coulds. And whenever someone asks me what is something I'd change about the way I was parented, that's about the only thing I would change. But she stood mentally healthy and optimistic despite life really trying to knock her down.

I'm the same way. I think I'm brave because at my age, I know the hard things that happen. I know there are a million ways to break a heart, and plenty of them have nothing to do with romantic love. I know living means a risk of dying, loving means a risk of hurting, and the hundred little decisions we make every day can have consequences you won't know until much, much later. I am brave because when it counts, I don't take the easy way. Oh, it might take me a little while to gather up my reserves and get off the established path, but I always do eventually.

I'm brave because I do take risks. Most of the time they are pretty calculated, but I do take them. I took a risk moving 1000 miles from friends and family with a man I very much loved at the time. I took a risk leaving him when I had next to nothing to keep myself and my children afloat. I took a risk when I tried marriage again later, and it fell apart too. I'm currently taking risks thinking maybe, just maybe, I'm not a complete moron at love and relationships and that I might still have something to offer.

But really, bravery isn't about never being afraid. I'm afraid plenty. I'm afraid when my son is on a weekend camping trip without me, and what if a really bad seizure and injury occurs. I'm afraid when I get a mammogram every year. I'm afraid when I get a new project at work that I haven't seen before and I want to do so well and I worry that I won't.  I am afraid when I speak honestly with someone about something I know they will not want to hear. Oh yes, there are things I am afraid of.

But I continue to participate in this life making choices every day that aren't always the easy ones. I continue believing in myself enough to do that, because...

I.

Am.

Brave.